The Case of the “Creative” Credit Report

Let’s kick things off with a classic: the attempted credit report makeover. I had an applicant, let’s call him Barry, who was incredibly enthusiastic. Too enthusiastic, perhaps. He practically vibrated with eagerness to move into my cozy two-bedroom apartment. His initial application seemed okay, but when the credit report came back… well, let’s just say it looked like it had been assembled by a collage artist with a penchant for bold font choices and generous applications of white-out.

The Red Flag Orchestra

This wasn’t just a minor discrepancy. This was a symphony of suspicion. Key elements included:

• “Estimated” Salary: Instead of a verifiable income, Barry had written “Estimated: Wealthy-ish” in the income section.
• The Self-Endorsed Credit Score: Beside the space for the credit score, Barry had neatly penned in “800+ (Trust Me!)”. The actual credit report (the one I pulled from a legitimate source) told a very different story. We’re talking sub-600 territory.
• “Past Residences”: His listed previous address was “Luxury Condo, Undisclosed Location”. Very helpful, Barry.

The Lesson Learned: Always, always, verify information independently. Trust your gut. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Invest in a reliable tenant screening service – it’s cheaper than evicting someone later.

The Mystery of the Missing Landlords (and the “Stalker Prevention” Clause)

Next up, we have a potential tenant, let’s call her Brenda, who presented a… unique challenge. Her application was relatively clean, decent credit score, seemingly stable job. The problem? She had zero landlord references. When I asked her about it, she nervously explained that she’d always lived with “very private” individuals who preferred not to be contacted. Okay, slightly odd, but not a dealbreaker on its own.

The “Stalker Prevention” Lease Rider

Then came the kicker. Brenda insisted on adding a clause to the lease guaranteeing her anonymity and prohibiting me, the landlord, from “unduly interfering” with her privacy. Fair enough, everyone values their privacy. But then she added: “…including, but not limited to, drive-by visits, phone calls, text messages, emails, social media stalking, and general knowledge of my whereabouts.” She then referred to this entire section as the “Stalker Prevention Clause.”

Now, I’m not a private investigator, but that raised more red flags than a communist parade. What was she trying to hide? Was she fleeing the Witness Protection Program? Was she secretly a celebrity trying to avoid paparazzi? I didn’t know, and frankly, I didn’t want to find out.

The Lesson Learned: Pay close attention to applicant behavior and unusual requests. Landlord references are vital. If an applicant avoids them or offers bizarre excuses, proceed with extreme caution. And if someone asks for a “Stalker Prevention Clause,” RUN.

The Case of the “Emotional Support” Komodo Dragon (Allegedly)

This one takes the cake for sheer audacity. I received an application from a guy, let’s call him Kevin, who was very upfront about needing to bring his “emotional support animal.” Okay, I’m used to that. I’ve dealt with cats, dogs, the occasional therapy hamster. But when I asked about the type of animal, Kevin casually dropped the bombshell: “He’s a Komodo dragon. His name is Cuddles.”

The “Cuddles” Conundrum

Now, I’m all for animal companionship, but a Komodo dragon? In a one-bedroom apartment? My insurance company would have a collective heart attack. I politely explained that while I was sympathetic to his emotional needs, my property wasn’t exactly equipped to handle a venomous reptile the size of a small car.

Kevin, undeterred, argued that Cuddles was “perfectly harmless” and “potty-trained” (I shudder to think). He even offered to provide a doctor’s note… supposedly certifying Cuddles as an emotional support animal. Right. I envisioned my other tenants fleeing in terror as Cuddles sunbathed on the balcony, occasionally snacking on the neighbor’s chihuahua.

The Lesson Learned: Know your rights and local laws regarding emotional support animals. While you must reasonably accommodate legitimate needs, you are not obligated to house potentially dangerous or destructive animals. Always verify documentation and don’t be afraid to say no.

The Pay Stub Picasso

Then there’s the age-old tale of the altered pay stub. This applicant, let’s name him Freddie, submitted what looked like a perfectly acceptable pay stub. However, my trusty tenant screening software flagged some anomalies. The font was inconsistent, the dates looked slightly off, and the watermark was… blurry, to say the least.

Spotting the Forgery

A quick Google search revealed that the company logo on Freddie’s pay stub was from a company that went out of business five years prior! Furthermore, the font used on the stub was not the standard font used by most payroll services. It looked like Freddie had taken a trip to MS Paint and become a bit of a Picasso.

The Lesson Learned: Utilize reliable tenant screening software that can detect fraudulent documents. Trust your instincts and don’t hesitate to verify information with the employer directly (after obtaining written consent from the applicant, of course!).